By now, you've probably heard about as much of the Trayvon Martin case as you've heard of the Casey Anthony case. I, like many others, reacted with anger and shock when I first heard about Trayvon Martin's death and the lack of an arrest. A teenager from South Florida visiting his father in Sanford is shot and killed by a neighborhood watch patrolman who had called the police to report a suspicious person walking around the neighborhood complex. The teenager was unarmed, carrying a bag of skittles and a beverage, and was sporting a hooded sweatshirt. The neighboorhood watch patrolman was George Zimmerman, and he immediately claimed self defense as the reason he shot the unarmed teenager. The police interviewed neighbors, interviewed Zimmerman, and chose to not arrest Zimmerman. Oh, and the shooter is white, and the deceased is black.
My first instinct was to be angry: angry with George Zimmerman, angry with neighboors who did not intervene when there were audible cries for help, and angry with the police department for not making an arrest. During my three years as an assistant public defender, I'd handled dozens of cases where my clients, who were often black and poor, had asserted self defense for their actions and had not been given the benefit of the doubt. Instead, those clients were arrested by cops and told to "tell it to the judge". My clients were charged by the State Attorney's Office in Orlando, and I often had to take their cases to trial and let a jury decide whether my clients were justified in their use of force. I wondered: why should anyone else be treated differently from my clients? Why should white people from middle class neighborhoods get the benefit of the doubt when the alleged victim is black?
As the days went by, and the media began to release more details about the case, such as 911 audio recordings and pictures of Zimmerman after the shooting, I started to set aside that initial feeling of anger. Zimmerman claimed that Martin was the first one to become physical, and that Martin had punched Zimmerman, causing him to be knocked back on the ground. Zimmerman claimed that Martin then continued to beat Zimmerman's head against the pavement, and that no one responded when Zimmerman cried out for help. Zimmerman has also stated he believed his life was in danger and that he then shot Martin in self defense.
I remembered that I'm a criminal defense attorney, and that I had completely prejudged George Zimmerman without all of the facts. If Zimmerman was pursuing Martin and questioning why Martin was in the neighoborhood, even after a 911 operator told him to not follow Martin, it would not excuse Martin's alleged act of violence against Zimmerman. If someone harrasses you verbally and follows you, the law does not necessarily allow you to respond with physical force. And if I never intended to punch someone, and I found myself with my back on the ground and another person on top of me, hitting my head against the sidewalk without a seeming end, I'd probably start fearing for my life too. And if I shouted for help and no one intervened, I'd probably start to think I'd have to save myself with force...even if that force was deadly.
A brief explanation of the law (which many media outlets seem to be getting wrong): in Florida, you are justified in using deadly force, without the duty to retreat, if you reasonably believe that such force is necessary to prevent imminent death or great bodily harm to yourself. If you are in your home, it is presumed that you had a reasonable fear of imminent death or bodily harm. Caselaw has established you did not have a duty to retreat first if you were in your home at the time of the unlawful force against you. And the controversial Stand Your Ground law took away the duty to retreat when you were not in your home.
I'm not saying Zimmerman was correct. What I am saying is that I was wrong to jump to conclusions without knowing everything. And that I betrayed my philosophy as a defense attorney when I condemned George Zimmerman. I focused on the wrong villain. I shouldn't be angry with George Zimmerman because my own clients aren't given the benefit of the doubt. My clients have been treated differently by law enforcement, and they were black, but that isn't George Zimmerman's fault. My sense of Zimmerman's guilt or innocense should not be clouded by feelings of prior injustice against my former clients.
Justice for Tayvon...Justice for Zimmerman...Justice for All.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Divorce Tips
Today's blog entry is family law related. Below are some tips put together by TSL Defense Attorney Ashley Tennison:
Divorce, legally known as Dissolution of Marriage, is a legal process with enormous social and personal consequences. As Orlando, Florida Divorce Attorneys, we take pride in providing you with personal legal guidance and advice though out this tough time. We hope this bit of personal advice, based upon our observations, as attorneys, of the Divorce Process, will be of assistance to you.
When facing a divorce, one spouse often can feel unloved, rejected, betrayed. That spouse may be tempted to do things out of anger, distress, or frustration that will likely cause regret. The following Divorce tips can help you through a difficult time as you get your life back to a better place.
- Assess you and your spouse’s financial life. What is the state of your finances? Are you aware of all the bank accounts? Are you aware of your spouse’s retirement account? What assets do you and your spouse have? What debts? Do you have copies of tax returns, W-2’s? Do you have investments? Is there a safety deposit box? Getting a handle on your financial life before proceeding with a Divorce will save you time, money, and grief. Getting copies of statements, receipts, bills, deeds, and tax returns will prove to be necessary and very helpful.
- Assess yourself. What do you earn for an income? What is your earning potential? Do you need to build skills or education to work in a certain field?
- Assess what you need at this time to live separately. How much will your cost of living be? What can you afford? Don’t forget the cost of food, utilities, gas, and reasonable entertainment.
- What valuables do you own? Take stock of your valuable possessions that are worth $300.00 or more. Make a list, take photographs.
- Create a support group. Surround yourself with loving family and friends because positive vibes will help you regain joy. Think about seeing a counselor to help you cope with the stress and emotions. Don’t take yourself out of everyday life, continue going to the gym, meeting with friends, calling family on the phone. Allowing people to support you at this time will make coping with stress and decision making easier.
- Treat yourself. Go to a gym, restaurant, or the mall. Make yourself important. This is the time to prove your spouse that it’s not your loss if they want a divorce. Take care of yourself. You will have down times, always praise yourself, don’t be down on yourself, and turn to your support group. Don’t blame yourself.
- Avoid a rebound relationship. Allow yourself to heal and grow. You will be able to tell when you are ready for a new relationship.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Guantanamo Bay: Where The Constitution Is Used For Toilet Paper
It's been 10 years since the United States begain harboring people suspected of terrorism or aiding terrorism at Gunatanamo Bay. Since then, 779 prisoners have been held at Gitmo to date, with 171 currently remaining there. Most have either been released without charge, transferred to another country's facility, or have died while at Gitmo (8 have died so far, 6 by suspected suicide and 1 of cancer). And to dispel any notion that the Obama administration has resulted in most of the releases, there were only 242 prisoners in Guantanamo when Obama took office.
In the month of July of 2005 alone, under the Bush administration, 173 detainees were released without charge and 69 were transferred to governments of other countries. Of the 171 detainees currently imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay, 89 men have been approved for transfer out of Gitmo unanimously by the military, law enforcement, and intelligence agencies whose opinion is relevant to those determinations. However, no one has been transferred alive out of Gitmo in over a year, and neither the detaines, nor their attorneys, have been told by the U.S. government whether they are on the list of people approved for transfer. Also of the detainees in Gitmo are 57 men who are from Yemen who are only being held because the US government does not want to release them back to the unstable country of Yemen (the infmaou shoe bomber who attempted to detonate an explosive on a flight to Detroit a few years ago was from Yemen).
I bring this up now because today marks the 10th anniversary of the day the first 20 detainees arrived at Guantanamo Bay and were held in outdoor cages that looked like dog kennels. We saw their images in reddish orange jumpsuits on television and our media blasted them as dangerous terrorists who deserved to be treated worse than dogs. Talking heads criticized human rights groups who demanded the detainees be provided with some sort of due process of law. Politicians supported the torture (yes, it has been acknowledged by U.S. officials that detainees have been submitted to brutal interrogations involving stress positions, barking dogs, and sleep deprivation, and water boarding has been confirmed to have occurred to at least some detainees though it may have been prior to arrival at Guantanamo).
Lawyers came to the defense of those detained without any rights. The U.S. government argued that the evidence used to detain the prisoners was classified and therefore the attorneys were not entitled to look at it. Once judges began issue orders allowing defense attorneys to see some of the evidence used against their client, huge gaping holes were exposed. Defense attorneys exploited evidence as fabricated, false, an often corrupt, some even finding exonerating proof.
People stripped of any rights and dignity and robbed from their lives: 779
People who have been released without charges after being held for years: 600
People cleared for transfer but still being held, some held for nearly a decade: 89
Children under 18 who have been held at Guantanamo: 15
People died in custody: 8
People convicted of any crime after trial or plea bargain: 6
People facing any formal charge who are still being held at Gitmo: 1
So, looking at the numbers, we now know that the vast majority of people detained at Gitmo have already been deemed to not be a threat to America and have no terrorist ties. Knowing this, I'd like to paste a quote from a FBI agent that was originally posted in a 2005 article of the New York Times: "On a couple of occasions, I entered interview rooms to find a detainee chained hand and foot in a fetal position to the floor, with no chair, food or water. Most times they had urinated or defecated on themselves and had been left there for 18, 24 hours or more." We now know that this sort of thing happened to innocent people. And, according to an affidavit by Col. Lawrence Wilkerson, a former aid to Secretary of State Colin Powell, top U.S. officials knew that the majority of detainees initially sent to Guantanamo Bay were probably innocent but kept them their for political reasons.
How did we as an American society allow for so many innocent people to be locked up in secrecy in an offshore prison for so many years without any trial, formal charge, or credible evidence? How have we justified it as long as we have? How do we not care that many of these "enemy combatants" weren't captured on the battlefield, but were sold to the U.S. government by corrupt law enforcement in foreign countries who couldn't wait to collect a bounty for "anyone known to be a member of Al-Qaeda or support terrorism"?
And how have we now allowed for this to happen to our very own citizens here in the United States? Don't think this could happen to you? Read the National Defense Authorization Act that was signed into law by Preseident Obama on New Year's Eve. That's right, if a U.S. citizen is suspected of terrorism here in thos country, you can be arrested and detained indefinitely without trial.
Better lock your door. The nightmare that has been Guantanamo Bay for 779 detainees (not to mention their family members who must live without knowing their loved one's fate), could be your nightmare.
Better have a criminal defense attorney on speed dial, and you better lock your door from your government.
In the month of July of 2005 alone, under the Bush administration, 173 detainees were released without charge and 69 were transferred to governments of other countries. Of the 171 detainees currently imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay, 89 men have been approved for transfer out of Gitmo unanimously by the military, law enforcement, and intelligence agencies whose opinion is relevant to those determinations. However, no one has been transferred alive out of Gitmo in over a year, and neither the detaines, nor their attorneys, have been told by the U.S. government whether they are on the list of people approved for transfer. Also of the detainees in Gitmo are 57 men who are from Yemen who are only being held because the US government does not want to release them back to the unstable country of Yemen (the infmaou shoe bomber who attempted to detonate an explosive on a flight to Detroit a few years ago was from Yemen).
I bring this up now because today marks the 10th anniversary of the day the first 20 detainees arrived at Guantanamo Bay and were held in outdoor cages that looked like dog kennels. We saw their images in reddish orange jumpsuits on television and our media blasted them as dangerous terrorists who deserved to be treated worse than dogs. Talking heads criticized human rights groups who demanded the detainees be provided with some sort of due process of law. Politicians supported the torture (yes, it has been acknowledged by U.S. officials that detainees have been submitted to brutal interrogations involving stress positions, barking dogs, and sleep deprivation, and water boarding has been confirmed to have occurred to at least some detainees though it may have been prior to arrival at Guantanamo).
Lawyers came to the defense of those detained without any rights. The U.S. government argued that the evidence used to detain the prisoners was classified and therefore the attorneys were not entitled to look at it. Once judges began issue orders allowing defense attorneys to see some of the evidence used against their client, huge gaping holes were exposed. Defense attorneys exploited evidence as fabricated, false, an often corrupt, some even finding exonerating proof.
People stripped of any rights and dignity and robbed from their lives: 779
People who have been released without charges after being held for years: 600
People cleared for transfer but still being held, some held for nearly a decade: 89
Children under 18 who have been held at Guantanamo: 15
People died in custody: 8
People convicted of any crime after trial or plea bargain: 6
People facing any formal charge who are still being held at Gitmo: 1
So, looking at the numbers, we now know that the vast majority of people detained at Gitmo have already been deemed to not be a threat to America and have no terrorist ties. Knowing this, I'd like to paste a quote from a FBI agent that was originally posted in a 2005 article of the New York Times: "On a couple of occasions, I entered interview rooms to find a detainee chained hand and foot in a fetal position to the floor, with no chair, food or water. Most times they had urinated or defecated on themselves and had been left there for 18, 24 hours or more." We now know that this sort of thing happened to innocent people. And, according to an affidavit by Col. Lawrence Wilkerson, a former aid to Secretary of State Colin Powell, top U.S. officials knew that the majority of detainees initially sent to Guantanamo Bay were probably innocent but kept them their for political reasons.
How did we as an American society allow for so many innocent people to be locked up in secrecy in an offshore prison for so many years without any trial, formal charge, or credible evidence? How have we justified it as long as we have? How do we not care that many of these "enemy combatants" weren't captured on the battlefield, but were sold to the U.S. government by corrupt law enforcement in foreign countries who couldn't wait to collect a bounty for "anyone known to be a member of Al-Qaeda or support terrorism"?
And how have we now allowed for this to happen to our very own citizens here in the United States? Don't think this could happen to you? Read the National Defense Authorization Act that was signed into law by Preseident Obama on New Year's Eve. That's right, if a U.S. citizen is suspected of terrorism here in thos country, you can be arrested and detained indefinitely without trial.
Better lock your door. The nightmare that has been Guantanamo Bay for 779 detainees (not to mention their family members who must live without knowing their loved one's fate), could be your nightmare.
Better have a criminal defense attorney on speed dial, and you better lock your door from your government.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Sex Offender: The New Death Sentence Label
When we hear the term sex offender, we typically envision a predator: someone who lurks in dark shadows and rapes unsuspecting victims, or who molests and sexually abuses the vulnerable. But here's the truth: a lot of people labeled as sex offenders in Florida are not bad or sick people. They are just like you, me, or close friends/relatives.
All right, all right, calm down and put away your torches and pitchforks. Allow me to explain.
People who have either pled or been found guilty of sexual battery or unlawful sexual activity with certain minors must register as sex offenders. That doesn't sound too unreasonable, right? But under Florida law, a person who is 24 years old is guilty of unlawful sexual activity if that person's partner is 17 years old and they are engaged in an vaginal, oral, or anal penetration with the other person's sex organ. Mutual consent is irrelevant. Yep, that's right, a 24 year old who has consentual oral sex with his/her 17 year old boyfriend/girlfriend is a sex offender in Florida.
Don't think those cases are prosecuted? Think again. All it takes is for someone who has a motive (like, say, Mom and Dad, who have never liked the older partner) or someone who has a duty to report (like a sex education teacher who finds out their student is sexually active with an older partner) to call the police. And once the police are called, they have to make an arrest. And once an arrest is made and that information is sent to the State Attorney's Office, good luck getting a prosecutor to drop a sex offender case. Because, believe me, the State Attorney's Office is politically motivated by the very fact that the State Attorney is an elected position. And there isn't a single State Attorney in Florida who wants a reporter to expose the fact that several sex offender charges were dropped by prosecutors in their office. It doesn't matter if the young couple are engaged to be married and have known each other for years, or that they are consenting to the activity, or that they love each other and are mature, intelligent people. The best you can hope for when an arrest in such a case has been made is that the prosecutor will allow the person to avoid prison time and to receive probation.
But even sex offender probation is different. With the label of being a sex offender, you can't live in a lot of areas, you can't work in a lot of professions, and you can't move without updating the registry in that county. Often times, you have to remain employed as a condition of probation. Good luck getting someone to hire you once you have been labeled a sex offender.
Life becomes incredibly hard once you have that label. You become the person all the neighbors hate. You become the person no one will hire. You become the person no landlord will rent out an apartment to. It is a lifelong designation, and you will be hated and reviled by people who don't know the first thing about you. And why? Because you were 24 when you allowed your 17 year old girlfriend to perform oral sex on you.
All right, all right, calm down and put away your torches and pitchforks. Allow me to explain.
People who have either pled or been found guilty of sexual battery or unlawful sexual activity with certain minors must register as sex offenders. That doesn't sound too unreasonable, right? But under Florida law, a person who is 24 years old is guilty of unlawful sexual activity if that person's partner is 17 years old and they are engaged in an vaginal, oral, or anal penetration with the other person's sex organ. Mutual consent is irrelevant. Yep, that's right, a 24 year old who has consentual oral sex with his/her 17 year old boyfriend/girlfriend is a sex offender in Florida.
Don't think those cases are prosecuted? Think again. All it takes is for someone who has a motive (like, say, Mom and Dad, who have never liked the older partner) or someone who has a duty to report (like a sex education teacher who finds out their student is sexually active with an older partner) to call the police. And once the police are called, they have to make an arrest. And once an arrest is made and that information is sent to the State Attorney's Office, good luck getting a prosecutor to drop a sex offender case. Because, believe me, the State Attorney's Office is politically motivated by the very fact that the State Attorney is an elected position. And there isn't a single State Attorney in Florida who wants a reporter to expose the fact that several sex offender charges were dropped by prosecutors in their office. It doesn't matter if the young couple are engaged to be married and have known each other for years, or that they are consenting to the activity, or that they love each other and are mature, intelligent people. The best you can hope for when an arrest in such a case has been made is that the prosecutor will allow the person to avoid prison time and to receive probation.
But even sex offender probation is different. With the label of being a sex offender, you can't live in a lot of areas, you can't work in a lot of professions, and you can't move without updating the registry in that county. Often times, you have to remain employed as a condition of probation. Good luck getting someone to hire you once you have been labeled a sex offender.
Life becomes incredibly hard once you have that label. You become the person all the neighbors hate. You become the person no one will hire. You become the person no landlord will rent out an apartment to. It is a lifelong designation, and you will be hated and reviled by people who don't know the first thing about you. And why? Because you were 24 when you allowed your 17 year old girlfriend to perform oral sex on you.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Minimum Mandatory Sentences...Or, Why The Legislature Thinks Discretion Is Evil
If you practice criminal defense long enough, you will inevitably end up with a case where your client is facing a minimum mandatory sentence. In Florida, minimum mandatory sentences (or "min mans", as we call them) are sentences where you will serve that prison term day-for-day. No early release. No time off for good behavior. No parole (for the record, Florida did away with parole many years ago). The only way you will get out of custody before each of those days is served is if you die.
So, what's the big deal? If you're facing a mandatory minimum sentence, then you did something horrible and deserve to be locked away for that amount of time, right? Not so. The truth is that Florida imposes mimimum mandatory sentences for a lot of crimes that don't necessarily merit those lengthy prison terms.
Here's an example: If you possess 4 grams or more of oxycodone or hydrocodone without a prescription (in your name), then you face a minimum mandatory sentence of 3 years in prison. How much is 4 grams? Depends on the size of the pills, but it's 20 pills if they are 200 milligrams each, or 8 pills if they are 500 milligrams each. Makes you think twice before putting your mom's small bottle of pain pills in your purse to help you with that horrible toothache, doesn't it?
The worst part about minimum mandatory sentences is that they don't care about your prior record (or lack thereof). You could be arrested for the first time in your entire life, and you will receive the mandatory minimum sentence if you are found guilty or plea to the offense. Now, if you have an extensive criminal history, you may very well receive more than the mandatory minimum. But otherwise, you prior record has zero effect on whether the mandatory minimum sentence will be imposed.
And what about the judge? Sadly, the judge can't do a darn thing about it. Mimum mandatory laws require that a judge sentence a defendant to at least the minimum mandatory term if the defendant either pleads to the charge or is found guilty at trial.
The only person who can waive the minimum mandatory sentence in the prosecutor, as part of a plea bargain. Why the Florida legislature has left this modicum of discretion in the hands of prosecutors is beyond me. Put it in the hands of young lawyers trying to make a name for themselves and probably burdened with the pressure of their office where supervisors want them to take a "hard line on crime"instead of the hands of a seasoned legal veteran who serves terms and takes an oath to be impartial and fair...
Sadly, hundreds (and perhaps thousands) of people plea to crimes they did not commit in exchange for lesser sentences because they know they will serve a minimum amount of mandatory prison if they are found guilty by 6 people they don't know from Adam, even if the judge listens to the case and is sympathetic to the defendant.
So, what's the big deal? If you're facing a mandatory minimum sentence, then you did something horrible and deserve to be locked away for that amount of time, right? Not so. The truth is that Florida imposes mimimum mandatory sentences for a lot of crimes that don't necessarily merit those lengthy prison terms.
Here's an example: If you possess 4 grams or more of oxycodone or hydrocodone without a prescription (in your name), then you face a minimum mandatory sentence of 3 years in prison. How much is 4 grams? Depends on the size of the pills, but it's 20 pills if they are 200 milligrams each, or 8 pills if they are 500 milligrams each. Makes you think twice before putting your mom's small bottle of pain pills in your purse to help you with that horrible toothache, doesn't it?
The worst part about minimum mandatory sentences is that they don't care about your prior record (or lack thereof). You could be arrested for the first time in your entire life, and you will receive the mandatory minimum sentence if you are found guilty or plea to the offense. Now, if you have an extensive criminal history, you may very well receive more than the mandatory minimum. But otherwise, you prior record has zero effect on whether the mandatory minimum sentence will be imposed.
And what about the judge? Sadly, the judge can't do a darn thing about it. Mimum mandatory laws require that a judge sentence a defendant to at least the minimum mandatory term if the defendant either pleads to the charge or is found guilty at trial.
The only person who can waive the minimum mandatory sentence in the prosecutor, as part of a plea bargain. Why the Florida legislature has left this modicum of discretion in the hands of prosecutors is beyond me. Put it in the hands of young lawyers trying to make a name for themselves and probably burdened with the pressure of their office where supervisors want them to take a "hard line on crime"instead of the hands of a seasoned legal veteran who serves terms and takes an oath to be impartial and fair...
Sadly, hundreds (and perhaps thousands) of people plea to crimes they did not commit in exchange for lesser sentences because they know they will serve a minimum amount of mandatory prison if they are found guilty by 6 people they don't know from Adam, even if the judge listens to the case and is sympathetic to the defendant.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Should I Hire A Private Attorney?
Being accused of a crime is very serious and the consequences can have a lifelong impact. You could potentially lose your job, you could lose your housing, you could lose some of your rights (voting, possessing a firearm, etc.), and your reputation can be tarnished. It's not the time to sacrifice quality over price.
That isn't to say that public defenders are not quality attorneys. I know a lot of current and former public defenders who are great attorneys, and I'd characterize some of them as better than most private criminal defense attorneys in the central Florida area. I used to be a public defender, and I worked hard for my clients and tried to get the best result for them that I possibly could. I argued tirelessly on their behalf, I put forth their best defense, and I could usually be found in the office on the weekends, or at the jail late at night. However, I was also overloaded with clients. And to be honest, the clients with the most serious charges usually received more of my attention. When you have that many clients, you have to prioritize them. Sad, but true. Not all of my clients received 100% of my attention. It was impossible.
As a private attorney, I naturally have fewer clients and have the time to dedicate myself to each of those clients. I'm able to talk to all of the witnesses in the case, including alleged victims, well ahead of most court dates. I can also take the time to talk to any of my client's family members who are concerned, answer all questions, visit the scene of the alleged offense, run clients through a mock cross examinaiton in anticipation of trial, etc.. Basically, I have the ability to thoroughly examine the case from every angle.
If you have the resources, you should hire a private criminal defense attorney with a good reputation and solid experience. They are worth every penny when your freedom is at stake. If you are accused of a crime, call TSL Defense at 407-412-7040 today to schedule your free consultation.
That isn't to say that public defenders are not quality attorneys. I know a lot of current and former public defenders who are great attorneys, and I'd characterize some of them as better than most private criminal defense attorneys in the central Florida area. I used to be a public defender, and I worked hard for my clients and tried to get the best result for them that I possibly could. I argued tirelessly on their behalf, I put forth their best defense, and I could usually be found in the office on the weekends, or at the jail late at night. However, I was also overloaded with clients. And to be honest, the clients with the most serious charges usually received more of my attention. When you have that many clients, you have to prioritize them. Sad, but true. Not all of my clients received 100% of my attention. It was impossible.
As a private attorney, I naturally have fewer clients and have the time to dedicate myself to each of those clients. I'm able to talk to all of the witnesses in the case, including alleged victims, well ahead of most court dates. I can also take the time to talk to any of my client's family members who are concerned, answer all questions, visit the scene of the alleged offense, run clients through a mock cross examinaiton in anticipation of trial, etc.. Basically, I have the ability to thoroughly examine the case from every angle.
If you have the resources, you should hire a private criminal defense attorney with a good reputation and solid experience. They are worth every penny when your freedom is at stake. If you are accused of a crime, call TSL Defense at 407-412-7040 today to schedule your free consultation.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Thanksgiving and Divorce
Now that our family law practice is expanding and the holidays are upon us (is that Christmas music I hear on the radio?), writing a blog about divorce on Thanksgiving seems fitting. This is intended as some friendly advice, but feel free to respond or comment with your own feelings about the issue and let us know if your experience has led you to different conclusions.
Holidays Can Be Stressful, Especially During Divorce
We come to know Thanksgiving as a time of family togetherness steeped in deep traditions. For those currently in the process of a divorce, have recently divorced, or divorced several years ago and remain single while everyone else has coupled up, Thanksgiving can be a very difficult and emotional time. The good news is that you will be surrounded by people who love you and are supportive of you. However, they also aren't mind readers. If you're feeling anxious or sad about the holiday, try letting at least one family member or fellow Thanksgiving dinner attendee know about how your feeling. You'll feel better for getting it off your chest (as opposed to keeping it in and possibly crying into your mashed potatos when someone asks how things are going in your life). You'll also create an ally in the person you've confided in, and he/she will help deflect any comments or questions from others that could potentially rub salt in your wounds.
This is also a good time to connect with those family members who are also single, and have probably been enduring Thanksgiving meals that border on interrogations for years (i.e. "when are you going to settle down and find a good husband/wife?"). These folks know how to cope with Thanksgiving and typically have excellent strategies that you can pick up. I once heard someone say that her Thanksgiving host's dinner table sat twelve people and there were 6 couples coming to Thanksgiving, and so the host seated all the couples at one table and put the others at the "kid's table." However, this person relabeled the "kids table" as the "freedom table" and had a wonderful time with the other single people and the kids, as they would hilariously quote Braveheart during the toasts.
If you're really dreading Thanksgiving with your family and you don't think there's any way to mitigate the stress, try having Thanksgiving with other relatives or with your friends. Not everyone's Thanksgiving is the same and you may be pleasantly surprised at the different traditions other people have. I once had Thanksgiving at a professor's house when I couldn't fly home from college and I had a great time with new people, different food, and good conversation. It was a welcome distraction from the nostalgia. Another thing you can try is treating yourself to a delicious Thanksgiving meal at a nice restaurant. Most fancy restaurants have a special Thanksgiving dinner service with excellent food, and several people in similar situations will be in attendance.
As odd as it may seem, there could be potential upsides to coordinating Thanksgiving post divorce. Often times, married couples have difficulty splitting up the holidays with their respective families. Sometimes, spouses don't get along with their in-laws, and forced get-togethers during the holidays cause fighting and stress. Going through a divorce is very emotional and very hard, but won't it be nice to not have to sit through another holiday dinner with your former in-laws who you've never liked anyway? Small condolences, I know. But worth appreciating, for some.
Custody During The Holidays
Now people going through divorce at Thanksgiving often also have the issue of child custody. It's important to remember that divorce is not only hard on the parents, but it's also hard on the child. Kids are often sad around the holidays because they aren't sharing it with both parents. They family isn't what it used to be, the routine is broken, and the holidays will most likely not be the same. It's natural that they'll be sad, so whatever each parent can do to minimize the sadness is a good idea. Some things you should never do is talk negatively about the other parent in front of the child, or make the child feel guilty about spending the holiday with his/her other parent instead of you. It's immature, and the child will resent you for it. If the child is spending Thanksgiving with you this year and the co-parent calls during dinner to talk to the child for five minutes, let your child take the call. Your ex is probably having a hard time dealing with the child's absence during the holiday, and you will probably want the same courtesy extended to you next year when the child spends Thanksgiving with your ex. If you have your child for the holiday and your child misses a phone call from the co-parent, try to have your child return the phone call promptly.
That being said, the parent who does not have the child for Thanksgiving should respect the family time the other parent is having with the child and be mindful of the duration of any phone calls with the child. In other words, don't talk to your child on the phone for an hour when the child is supposed to be having dinner with his/her other parent, and don't call incessantly. It's rude to interrupt the dinner for that long and you wouldn't want the same treatment. Try to limit the calls to 5 or 10 minutes.
In Florida, time sharing (custody) of the child during the holidays is almost always addressed in any parenting plan agreement filed with the court as a matter of process when a divorce is granted and their are children common to the marriage. Make sure you think about what you want to do during the holidays before you sign any agreement. If the agreement calls for alternating Thanksgiving with each parent every year, does it address whether the child will spend the day before, or after, the holiday with the other parent? Many agreements call for Parent X to have Thanksgiving with the child on even calendar years, with Parent Y to have the child for the next day (Black Friday), and the reverse to occur on odd calendar years. This may seem like a good idea, but it could also limit travel plans on Thanksgiving. If it's your turn to have the child on Thanksgiving, but you want to spend Thanksgiving at your mother's house and she lives 200 miles away, then having the child back to your co-parent's arms the next day will be very difficult. I'm not suggesting someone not sign an agreement that calls for alternating Thanksgiving with the other parent getting Black Friday. After all, your child's right to see both parents should come before your travel plans. I'm simply urging co-parents to think about these things through and through before signing an agreement. If you never travel far on Thanksgiving, or you always host the holiday dinner, then it's a non-issue.
Hopefully, there will be the day when both parents feel welcome to share Thanksgiving together with the child. But that is rarely the case, for various reasons. Divorce is complicated, time sharing is complicated, and the resulting holidays can be as well. Maturity, understanding, and a good attitude can improve the situation. Hopefully, the company you share during the holiday is supportive, and loving, and will help you get through what can be a difficult time. That's what family is for. And that's ultimately what the holiday is about: sharing love, in all its forms. You may not have it romantically, but it is there nonetheless, within your support system.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Holidays Can Be Stressful, Especially During Divorce
We come to know Thanksgiving as a time of family togetherness steeped in deep traditions. For those currently in the process of a divorce, have recently divorced, or divorced several years ago and remain single while everyone else has coupled up, Thanksgiving can be a very difficult and emotional time. The good news is that you will be surrounded by people who love you and are supportive of you. However, they also aren't mind readers. If you're feeling anxious or sad about the holiday, try letting at least one family member or fellow Thanksgiving dinner attendee know about how your feeling. You'll feel better for getting it off your chest (as opposed to keeping it in and possibly crying into your mashed potatos when someone asks how things are going in your life). You'll also create an ally in the person you've confided in, and he/she will help deflect any comments or questions from others that could potentially rub salt in your wounds.
This is also a good time to connect with those family members who are also single, and have probably been enduring Thanksgiving meals that border on interrogations for years (i.e. "when are you going to settle down and find a good husband/wife?"). These folks know how to cope with Thanksgiving and typically have excellent strategies that you can pick up. I once heard someone say that her Thanksgiving host's dinner table sat twelve people and there were 6 couples coming to Thanksgiving, and so the host seated all the couples at one table and put the others at the "kid's table." However, this person relabeled the "kids table" as the "freedom table" and had a wonderful time with the other single people and the kids, as they would hilariously quote Braveheart during the toasts.
If you're really dreading Thanksgiving with your family and you don't think there's any way to mitigate the stress, try having Thanksgiving with other relatives or with your friends. Not everyone's Thanksgiving is the same and you may be pleasantly surprised at the different traditions other people have. I once had Thanksgiving at a professor's house when I couldn't fly home from college and I had a great time with new people, different food, and good conversation. It was a welcome distraction from the nostalgia. Another thing you can try is treating yourself to a delicious Thanksgiving meal at a nice restaurant. Most fancy restaurants have a special Thanksgiving dinner service with excellent food, and several people in similar situations will be in attendance.
As odd as it may seem, there could be potential upsides to coordinating Thanksgiving post divorce. Often times, married couples have difficulty splitting up the holidays with their respective families. Sometimes, spouses don't get along with their in-laws, and forced get-togethers during the holidays cause fighting and stress. Going through a divorce is very emotional and very hard, but won't it be nice to not have to sit through another holiday dinner with your former in-laws who you've never liked anyway? Small condolences, I know. But worth appreciating, for some.
Custody During The Holidays
Now people going through divorce at Thanksgiving often also have the issue of child custody. It's important to remember that divorce is not only hard on the parents, but it's also hard on the child. Kids are often sad around the holidays because they aren't sharing it with both parents. They family isn't what it used to be, the routine is broken, and the holidays will most likely not be the same. It's natural that they'll be sad, so whatever each parent can do to minimize the sadness is a good idea. Some things you should never do is talk negatively about the other parent in front of the child, or make the child feel guilty about spending the holiday with his/her other parent instead of you. It's immature, and the child will resent you for it. If the child is spending Thanksgiving with you this year and the co-parent calls during dinner to talk to the child for five minutes, let your child take the call. Your ex is probably having a hard time dealing with the child's absence during the holiday, and you will probably want the same courtesy extended to you next year when the child spends Thanksgiving with your ex. If you have your child for the holiday and your child misses a phone call from the co-parent, try to have your child return the phone call promptly.
That being said, the parent who does not have the child for Thanksgiving should respect the family time the other parent is having with the child and be mindful of the duration of any phone calls with the child. In other words, don't talk to your child on the phone for an hour when the child is supposed to be having dinner with his/her other parent, and don't call incessantly. It's rude to interrupt the dinner for that long and you wouldn't want the same treatment. Try to limit the calls to 5 or 10 minutes.
In Florida, time sharing (custody) of the child during the holidays is almost always addressed in any parenting plan agreement filed with the court as a matter of process when a divorce is granted and their are children common to the marriage. Make sure you think about what you want to do during the holidays before you sign any agreement. If the agreement calls for alternating Thanksgiving with each parent every year, does it address whether the child will spend the day before, or after, the holiday with the other parent? Many agreements call for Parent X to have Thanksgiving with the child on even calendar years, with Parent Y to have the child for the next day (Black Friday), and the reverse to occur on odd calendar years. This may seem like a good idea, but it could also limit travel plans on Thanksgiving. If it's your turn to have the child on Thanksgiving, but you want to spend Thanksgiving at your mother's house and she lives 200 miles away, then having the child back to your co-parent's arms the next day will be very difficult. I'm not suggesting someone not sign an agreement that calls for alternating Thanksgiving with the other parent getting Black Friday. After all, your child's right to see both parents should come before your travel plans. I'm simply urging co-parents to think about these things through and through before signing an agreement. If you never travel far on Thanksgiving, or you always host the holiday dinner, then it's a non-issue.
Hopefully, there will be the day when both parents feel welcome to share Thanksgiving together with the child. But that is rarely the case, for various reasons. Divorce is complicated, time sharing is complicated, and the resulting holidays can be as well. Maturity, understanding, and a good attitude can improve the situation. Hopefully, the company you share during the holiday is supportive, and loving, and will help you get through what can be a difficult time. That's what family is for. And that's ultimately what the holiday is about: sharing love, in all its forms. You may not have it romantically, but it is there nonetheless, within your support system.
Happy Thanksgiving!
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